Today I noticed someone stumbled upon my blog by googling "messy house and stressed mom". Doubtless, my blog was the first thing that popped up (as it should be!). It led me to some interesting thoughts, such as, Why is it when someone sees that a part of (or many parts of) your life are out of control, they feel it gives them permission to rescue you with their advice? I'm not talking about the well-intentioned and comforting exchange of supportive ideas that many women indulge in. I'm talking about the uninformed, judgmental and ignorant things people say in the effort to be "helpful".
I've had some doozies of unsolicited advice over the years (I think I must have a sign on my forehead that reads: too dumb to live). Below is a list of some of those that pop immediately to mind.
"You just have to walk away and leave her no matter how much she cries! If you don't, she'll never be independent of you." This from a friend who felt that I should do the cold turkey thing with my clingy five year old the first day of kindergarten. A few days of being sensitive to my child's feelings did the trick and she is now a very independent 14 year old, thank you very much!
"Why don't you just toss the kids into the car and go for a drive so you can talk in peace?" Said by a much loved and, more to the point, childless therapist. Fifteen years and five kids later, she knows better.
"Why don't you hire a babysitter so you can go?" There are no words--except for these. Don't you think we would have done that in half a heartbeat if there weren't dozens of reasons why that wouldn't work?
And later: "Aren't the kids old enough for you to leave them alone by now?" Not for longer than it takes to run a few errands and never at night and not if we are somewhere we can't be contacted in an emergency--not if we don't want to come home to blood on the floor. (Some people think I'm exaggerating about this but it could happen. It COULD!) (Okay, it's not incredibly likely these days but when you spend two long months waiting for an opening at the psychiatrist's office and meds to kick in while trying to prevent your suicidal/homicidal son from harming anyone, you never forget. So, call me over-anxious--I can take it.)
"You just have to tell him to go on the potty, and he'll go!" This helpful person took it a step further and did it himself by whispering in the ear of my five year old developmentally delayed, cerebral palsied, overly anxious and chronically dizzy son. Now, why didn't I think of that?!?!?!? (And, um, it didn't work. Having a baby sister come into his life, did.)
"Here's a list of ideas I came up with to help you because people in your difficult circumstances have a hard time thinking of solutions." Umm . . . that's pretty much ALL we do because the matters at hand are URGENT. STAT. On fire as we speak! (Sheez!)
"The way to avoid getting sick is to eat right and to stay away from people who are sick." So . .. that means I can come and stay at your house when the people at my house are sick, right? (And please serve nutritious meals while I'm there.)
"You can't let her quit! It will damage her for life!" From the mother of another student in my daughter's ballet class. In fact, letting her quit delayed her perfectionism/depression/anxiety-driven nervous breakdown by about two years which was, sadly, still two years sooner than her psychiatrist was willing to address it with meds due to her extreme youth.
"Be brave and accept the {anonymous} criticism from others so that you know how to help your boy!" The epitome of gall. Unless it's this one--"You have to have more faith!" If I had a nickle . . . or even a penny! But, hey, if you have a chronic illness that involves a lot of pain and fatigue and lack of sleep and causes you to be intolerant to exercise and many healthy foods and if your husband suffers from depression and anxiety and your daughter does too and so does your son only you will need to add bipolar disorder, cerebral palsy, brain damage and learning disablities to his list, and your kids are highly intelligent (a challenge all its own!) and super sensitive and you have spent inordinate amounts of time consulting with doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, teachers, school administrators, and behavioral therapists, and have had to endure having your children damaged by some of these professionals, not once, but numerous times, and deal with issues such as poverty, unemployment, infertility and isolation AND your cupboards look like a pharmacy, then CALL ME! You just might have learned something that applies to my personal situation that I have not.
I sound bitter, don't I? But that's only because I am (at times). Years of this kind of thing has made holes in my heart because, as you can imagine, when your challenges are not typical, the ignorance and unsolicited advice multiplies. By the same token, the support and acts of kindness shrink because the challenges are mostly invisible, non-relatable and scary. Some even convince themselves that you are not deserving of their kind words or acts of support because you must have somehow brought this clutch of challenges on yourself and therefore deserve them (thereby disqualifying their virtuous selves from ever having to endure such a load of trials).
However, I am far from being the only one on the receiving end of this kind of unwanted guidance. (In fact, I have often been on the giving end of this scenario, much to my chagrin.) What is the most galling bit of unsolicited advice YOU ever received?
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